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Bits of Wisdom

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Okay, you asked for it! Here's a collection of puns I made up while posting on alt.humor.puns.

The lemon girl There was a beautiful girl at the fruit stand who sold lemons. I often went there just to talk to her and to ask her out, but she always refused. I did everything I could, dress sharp, comb my hair, shower her with compliments; but she always said no. I gave up. I finally realized that you just can't elope with a lemon maid.

How does a cat say, "I'm sorry"?
With an apawlogy.

There was a Hindu monk who was quite annoying because he always hung around after everyone else had left.
He became known as the Buddha pest.

Nobody knew why Gwen always went to class with so many pens in her notebook. She must have had a hundred of them. But if you ever needed a pen, all you had to do was to go to Pen Gwen.

The psychiatrist went over his notes and said, "From our discussions, it appears that you have an oedipal complex."
The patient shook his head and said, "I was a-Freud of that."

Do you know what undergarment a woman from Algeria wears?
An algebra.

I knew these two guys who were rude, fat, and nasty. They claimed to have a brother that was a cook at the corner diner. I decided never to go there. One day, I joined some co-workers to go out to lunch. "Where're we going?," I asked. "To the corner diner," they all chimed in. I shuddered. I could just imagine. Greasy, unappitizing food served by a boistrous cook. We got there and I was surprised. The salad and pasta was wonderful and we even met the cook, a very polite, pleasant person. That taught me a valuable lesson. Never judge a cook by its brothers.

What if George had Harrison's Ford?

Jury of cats Recently a judge dismissed an entire jury made up of cats. Do you know why?
Every one of them was guilty of purrjury!

How to grow grapes:
Oh, it's easy to grow grapes. It's just hard raisin them.

Think you're a bad biker? Then you probably know about Carl's Tavern in New Mexico. Glass a-flyin, cussin', even the pool table has more than six holes! So unless you're tough as leather, you'd best not go into New Mexico and visit Carl's Bad Tavern.

Here's a little known fact about art history. You see, though the American Indian culture has not been thoroughly studied, there was a period of time during the 1400s it's estimated that a number of bison paintings were done in the plains region. This became known as the bisontine era. I was really buffaloed when I read about that. Have you ever herd of such a thing?

What Would You Like for Dessert?
Baseball Player: "Bunt Cake. That would be a hit with me!"
Game Warden: "Chocolate Moose."
Psychiatrist: "Oh, just give me some nuts."
Miss Manners: "I'll have some nice cream, thank you."
Foul-Mouthed Friend: "Oh hell, gimme some cusstard."
Policeman: "Some doughnuts, but give my friend over here the ticket."
Nudist: "Bare claws."
Nudist's Cat: (Look of horror on his face, runs for cover under the couch!)

Can deer learn to dance?
Yes, if they're taught by a dosey-doe.

All Aboard the Titanic!
Are all of you punsters in ship-shape for this? Well, this is just the tip of the iceberg so let's come on and break the ice! Let's see if we can make our punning sink down to some new levels!

What did you Order?
You can imagine how surprised I was to see the waitress come to my table with a bowl of ice cream and a camel.
"What's with the camel?," I asked.
"Well, isn't that what you ordered?," she said rather indignately, "Chocolate ice cream with camel topping?"
"Whatever. Would you care for some more coffee?"
"One hump or two?"

Know what happens if you wear jeans all your life?
You get jeanknees! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!
Would you like three washes with that?

Do cooks tell jokes?
No, but they can tell griddles.

Can cats preach?
Oh, yes! They just get up on the catapulpit and fire away!

Can cats practice psychology?
Oh, yes! Especially Freudy-cats!

Can cats bake pies and cookies?
Oh, yes! ...and they prefer to start from scratch!

Can cats play the guitar?
Oh, yes! In fact, they can even read tabbylature.

Do cats live in the Andes?
Oh, yes, Bolivia it or not! Especially in Purrrrrr-ru.

Can I burro some money?
...said the donkey to the bank teller.

There's cheap, bad wine; then there's really cheap, bad wine. One such wine made people explode. At a neighborhood party, several people poured this wine into their glasses and after a few sips, they started to explode, one by one. The fire department was called. A few days later, the cause of the fire was finally determined: Boom's Farm.

Ever been to a "Bathrooms Anonymous" meeting? They're draining. They're a bunch of drips trying to sink of something to say and they always end with, "Keep coming bath, it works!" Then they go out to a tubberware party.

Can you tell what day it is with a collander?
Yes, if you put some dates in it.

Genderly Speaking
It's really hard to find a marriage partner at sea. You know why?
Because there's lots of bouys but there aren't any giurls.

Anchorwoman Jane Pauley dreamt that she was a parrot.
She awoke and said, "Pauley want a cracker! Pauley want a cracker!"

Hey Texas!...
For gosh sakes put on some pants! Your Lubbocks are showing!